So most people that know me well know that I tend to not see the world through what most people would call “normal eyes”.
Internally I often mix and match genres and styles, mentally creating odd and often absurd ideas that are quite frankly best left to myself for fear of being shackled and taken to a mental hospital for evaluation.
Anyway, I tend to watch a lot of “auto television” and actually quite a bit of “food television”.
And very recently, I realized the direction I want to see the air-cooled restoration show (that I have in my head) go in.
I’m most definitely sick of the a focus on American muscle car restoration and modding in most auto television and I thank Ra that we got at least one Season of JDM Legends! (Here’s hoping for a Season 2!) And don’t get me started on all the dick wagging LS swaps and other “gotta make it louder” shit fests that I personally cannot relate to at all.
Now I’ve decided that my fantasy VW auto show should basically be, for lack of a better word, “car porn”. However, it needs to be shot with the highest quality sense of artistic vision out there to separate itself from the dozens of auto shows out there already.
Now my VW show has to hit several objectives starting off:
- It has to to appeal to VW lovers of course, but also broadly appeal to women who are not interested in car shows, men who are gay who like cars but are not into the plethora of machismo straight male-focused car shows, young people and people who didn’t think they could like a auto-centric show.
- It has to look better and/or different in production values from any other shows out there.
- It has to has an aspect of history… almost a documentary focus at times.
- It has to be a celebration of all things vintage Volkwagen and early 70s VW.
Some things that will not be allowed in the show, or if the are at an extreme minimum:
- The whole overdone “hippie” nostalgia thing for VW busses.
- A focus only on Pre-67 Type 1s and Type 2s.
Now for the most part, a lot of auto shows look quite similar and I want my show to look different from the rest.
And that’s where I think I have found the answer! Combine BBC Two’s Nigella Lawson’s At My Table show production values and “vibe” with vintage air-cooled VW restoration to create the ultimate in sensuous car porn appropriate to show off the beautiful smooth rounded need of Beetles, Ghias, and the like!!!
Yes. My show will basically be car porn on screen!
Nigella’s mostly sultry narration as she cooks, as well as the camera’s depth of focus blurriness as it pans over food is utterly sex on a plate, or sex on a stove, or sex in an oven, etc., etc. and by the gods that is what needed in a vintage VW car show.
Well… at least one that I want to see in my VW show!
I’ve given some thought to my on-screen talent and have come down to at least 3 people I would be happy to have drive the show’s restoration and modding work. Hell, I’d love to have cameos for special work by other mechanics from many of the other shows I watch. (This is my fantasy show dammit!)
At least one of the hosts would need to be Bogi Lateiner who can often be seen on All Girls Garage. I love Bogi. I follow her tweeting and other posts and while I can’t tell what she things of air-cooled vintage cars, there’s at least one posed photo of her with a Porsche 356 (on her site) so may be likes them!
She’s got the knowledge and skill for my show.
Plus, I have a crush on her.
Now my show still needs to be a bit different from all the others out there so now I need some male eye candy. And that’s where my second host comes in.
So I’ve watched Jeff “Kingster” King (of Garage Squad) get more and more screen time and this past season he actually got to speak on camera! (I almost made a drinking game of having to do a shot if Kingster would speak in an episode. This season would have involved some drunk evenings!)
He’s obviously worked on a wide variety of vehicles and all the systems on them, plus I’ve seen him pull off some interesting quick body work repairs.
Plus, I have a twink crush on him.
Now the guiding hand of the show would be Edd China, who started out as an air-cooled mechanic and would be ideal as the senior member of my on-screen team. I really love Edd China and have learned valuable knowledge from watching him over the years.
Plus, I have a man crush on him and he has hands down the best hair in automotive television.
I want this show to to be at least 8-12 episode seasons with each season taking 1 model of vintage VW from deconstruction to restoration, I also want the show to fold in documentary style all types of specific car history much like the great For The Love of Cars does. Not surprisingly, this is also a UK import that has the right production values and focus on the details I like in good auto television. Hosts would trade off narrating.
Since my idea is so brilliant and nobody would turn me down, after I get my 6 series commitment, I have the show planned out as follows:
- Series 1 (10 Episodes) – Stock restoration of a 1963 Ragtop Type 1 Beetle.
- 1 special episode shot at various VW car shows (any country) focusing on early 60’s Type 1’s.
- 1 special episode on Cal Look Beetles
- Series 2 (10 Episodes) – Stock restoration of a 1975 Type 2 Bay Window Bus
- 1 special episode shot at various VW car shows (any country) focusing on early 70’s Type 2’s.
- Dave Kindig from Bitchin’ Rides would pop in on 1 episode to discuss design work.
- Series 3 (10 Episodes) – Restoration and modding a 1973 1303 Super Beetle to German Look. 1 Special episode on German Look.
- 1 special episode shot at various VW car shows (any country) focusing on Super Beetles.
- Jordan Brown from Bitchin’ Rides would come buy in one episode to help fabricate a custom exhaust.
- Appearances by VW performance legends and other talent into performance suspension and engines.
- Series 4 (10 Episodes) – Stock restoration of 1971 Karmann Ghia Convertible
- 2 special episodes devoted to VW non-stock engines and mods.
- Series 5 (10 Episodes) – Stock restoration of 1968 Type 3 Fastback
- 1 special episode devoted to all Type 3 styles
- Series 6 (10 Episodes) – Stock restoration of 1969 Type 4 411
- 1 special episode devoted Type 4 engines, swaps, etc.
If it is a hit, we’d go on and broaden the show to early Mark I Golf and GTI’s and a host of other VW-related content.
Series 7 would be an all-out hot rodding of a Beetle for racing with lots of guest appearances from performance-focused people.
So sure, Series 3 is going to be my favorite, but it is my show dammit so I’ll do what I want.
We start with a classic standard restoration to appease the “there’s no such thing as Beetle after 1966” people though I really don’t care about those victims.
I specifically do not want an early Type 2 as those have been done to death on other shows and I like Bay Window ones just as much.
The Ghia will allow for a convertible and address the special needs of top restoration.
The Type 3 could really be any style but I think the Fastback, or even the Notchback, stand out more.
I have so little exposure to Type 4’s that I am totally open to suggestions here.
Now the one thing that will be left unexplained will be various shirtless hot men and beautiful women in 1940’s era clothing working in the background on cars and such. Pay it no mind. This is all my own artsy elements to the show.